I was exhausted! I had hit a wall. Even my love for comfort food couldn’t get me out of bed. People in my life were befuddled, they had never seen this side of me. They tried to support me for a couple of days though they wanted me to return to my routine - so they could feel better and we could get back to normal.
I was the giver, the source of order, the one who took care of everyone, the CEO. But on that day, I had nothing left to give.
Life before this wall of exhaustion was a life of denial – a house of cards. My needs? What needs? They were perennially always on the back burner. As long as I maintained my role as caretaker, everyone was fine and everything was in place.
Lying in bed day after day, I could feel my resistance, my rage, my martyrdom surfacing to the point of no return. Something had to give.
My body in its heart-felt wisdom was preparing for something different. I was diagnosed with adrenal fatigue from my holistic nurse practitioner. She woke me up to the realization that giving was a two-way street and I’d been living on a one-way cul-de-sac.
I listened, I rested, and regrouped. I decided to redesign the age-old patterns of my ancestral feminine energy. I tapped into this generational mindset; I felt the toll this had taken on my parents, grandparents, great grandparents and now my own mind-body experience. I realized, I had bought into this way of being so I could also opt-out by remaining in the safe neutrality of default mode.
In the quiet of those several days, I started to see how my friends were hooked into this belief, as they robotically fell into step, keeping order while living from a dried-up well. They had yet to face their wall of denial.
How am I going to get through this gridlock? Thankfully, I did have support. My coach, at the time, offered me these four steps as a foundation for my on-going growth:
Recognize • Acknowledge • Forgive • Change
I recognized that the life I was leading was not sustainable. I resisted the “knowing”, although my body had a wisdom that went beyond any logic or intellect. I’d only known a pusher energy that starved my adrenals and caused this grave fatigue.
Acknowledging my ancestral pattern of give, give, give, I could feel their anger and rage, which gave me permission to feel mine. This state of being uncomfortable was inevitable, it gave me the time and space to reflect, feel deeply with remorse, and internalize the depletion in my body.
As I pondered this experience I started to feel a shift of courage to ask for help and most especially, allow the support. I began to feel my body filling up instead of the too familiar emptiness I had always known. As my body strengthened, I began to understand that to tap into the depths of my soul I needed to slow down, be open to receive, and hold wild appreciation for my unique spirit.
Forgiving others and myself was a conscious act of will. Accepting my present state, was a courageous act of surrender – it was a gift beyond measure. I discovered the layers of forgiveness once the door of this process opened. I felt lighter, brighter, free to be in my own skin. I became the change I wanted to see in my life then, and now.
I created a lifestyle that honored me. I put self-care and self-nurturing at the top of my to do list. I embraced the idea that my journey was mine to create and that the inside job is where the true change is sustained and measured.
PS) It’s not something that happened over night. The process of transformation is just that, a process – Be gentle with yourself when you embark on the path of change.